Day 19: Things you want to say to an ex.

(Not really an "ex," per se, but someone I used to like.)

Hey. 

What happened? I thought everything was going great between us, and then after our first (and only) date you just stopped talking to me. Had you been trying to friend-zone me all along, and I was just oblivious?

But seriously. If you didn't like me, you shouldn't have done what you did. Birthday present with a sweet handmade card? Baking cookies for me on Valentine's Day? Even 安老师 thought something was going on from the way we were in class. 

I can't help but think that it was my fault. Maybe I didn't reciprocate appropriately to gifts. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I'm just too socially awkward. 

Really though, if you had just simply told me that you didn't like me and wanted me to back off, that would have been much easier. Subtle rejection is a pernicious bug that creates doubt and hope at the same time--hope that maybe there was just a miscommunication or that you're busy. 

I miss our friendship. I miss talking to you. I miss texting in Chinese pig latin. I miss how you'd steal my 50 pound backpack in the mornings and refuse to let me carry it to class sometimes (though I hated it at the time). I miss your comments on this blog.

I miss you. 

And I'm sorry if I said anything mean to you after you stopped talking to me. I did, didn't I? I don't remember anymore, but I tend to lash out when I'm hurt, so it makes logical sense. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.

I guess I just need closure.