Hungry, and yet full.

It's another lonely Friday. My roommates are gone, and I'm just....
Hungry.
I ate a 14 oz stake not too long ago. With bacon on top. My apartment still smells like meat. Yet I'm feeling faint with hunger again. Is this what teenage boys feel like all the time? Here's the thing: I can't buy enough food to keep this up for very long. Thank goodness my parents live close. And there's always rice. I still have around 20 pounds from my last foray to the Asian market. Mmm, rice. That sounds delicious right now.

*brief interlude while I meticulously wash my fancy rice and put it in the rice cooker*

But I'm not just physically hungry. I'm emotionally starving. I don't have very many people here in Provo who I can really open up with. When I get into a new environment, I tend to close up for a while. I know it's not a good thing, but I really can't help it. I need to acclimatize and figure things out before I start being all "let's be friends!" happy bubbly nonsense. Trust is hard.

I wish I could be like I was at Startalk. There was no pressure there to be anyone but me. I actually had a deep connection to everyone there: Chinese. But even in my Chinese class now, not everyone is as serious about the language and culture as I am. It's hard to see from their perspectives for me. I have one really good friend in that class. She's basically the only one besides my roommate who I hang out with on a regular basis.

Some unrelated notes:

     Freshmen wards are horrible.
     The friend zone exists. And it sucks to be here.
     It's funny how people take Facebook seriously. I've gotten more comments being married to an imaginary Korean man than when I was married to a girl.
   
Every time I write out things like this, I'm tempted to just erase what I actually think and write something completely different about how great life is. Sometimes that façade wins out. More often, I just don't post. I have so many scraps, honest word salad that I can't bring myself to share. I think there's probably more unpublished drafts than published posts here.

Instead of just throwing this out because I am trying to emphasize the good, I'll leave it as a contrast to the happy. There's no sweet without the bitter.

I am so grateful for my roommate Alex (name has been slightly modified). We get along so well it's unbelievable. Even though we hadn't met before moving in, we've struck up a fast friendship. I could not live without her.

I have a job. My first job ever. And it's not because I strictly need it, it's because I want to save up money to study abroad. My parents are incredibly supportive of me, but I always feel guilty asking them for money. My job as a telemarketer (I mean, seminar registration agent, cough cough) is definitely not something I would make a career out of, but it's good to get any type of work experience.

I officially changed my major today from International Relations to Neuroscience. I realized that I'm sick of subjectivity in schoolwork. I want answers that will be right no matter who's looking at the question. I don't want to worry about multiple right answers. I miss math and science, where there's right and wrong.

I like living in a smaller space, because it's easier to clean.
I'm trying to be a better person and not let the little things get to me. It's hard.
I'm excited for next semester's classes.
I fall more in love with Chinese every day.

I'm indebted to all of you who read this blog of mine, especially Ethan, Ammon, Aubrey, and Ryan because they comment. I like to feel validated. Comment away. Or talk to me. Like I said up top, I'm not exactly awash in sociality at the moment.

Ciao,
Miranda