. Right now I'm just losing motivation--mostly for my freshman writing class. My professor's really cool and I don't have a problem with what we're learning. I simply have absolutely no reason to be in the class. I don't need the credit; I have it twice over already. The only reason I originally signed up was because I wanted to do the honors program. But now I decided against that (it would make study abroad a pain in the butt to try and get "university honors" classes I needed) and have no motivation to go.
Plus, it's at 8.
8 AM.
Which means it's dark when I walk to class now.
Or when I sleep through my class.
Anyway. This is one reason why my emotional graph is in the negative right now. I'm not really functioning at the moment. I feel like a broken record on this blog a lot of the time. When my emotional graph starts going downhill, I need to write about it. I also like validation--knowing that people care can be a bit of a boost sometimes. But I get annoyed with myself sometimes. Why should I write about this so much? I'm sure everyone's sick of hearing about my self-diagnosed emotional problems by now.
Here's how I feel far too many of my posts go:
"It's hard to get out of bed in the morning. Blah blah blah it's even hard to breathe. I need help. I need friends. *whininess* Life is unfair. I'm broken and I don't know how to get fixed. *complaints about hard things I brought on myself*
*dramatic white space*
*brief sentence that embodies my mood and uses some sort of fancy word*"
I'm just confused. I had so many good friends last year, where did they all go? There are some people who it really hurts to be ignored by. I don't know what I did wrong. I come to the conclusion that there's just something fundamentally wrong with me, and that's why people don't want to be around me. I'm obnoxious, immature, rude, an intellectual snob, forgetful, unorganized. Etc. Etc.
There's only a certain point to which I can try and force a friendship, and then I just can't anymore; it's too painful. I can't stand calling and hoping that they'll pick up the phone for once. My phone is full of sent texts that I never receive replies to. My emails aren't even answered anymore. And then I withdraw. I rationalize that if people wanted to talk to me, they'd probably make an effort. But they don't, and my old friends don't even respond to my efforts. Why do I bother?
對我來說，找朋友很難。For me, making friends is so hard. I don't want to put out my dreams and fears for everyone to see. I hate being vulnerable. My defense for this has primarily been preemptive: don't let anyone in. That way I don't get hurt. But once I start to trust someone, I unlock my heart and tell them to make themselves at home. And now it's like everyone just left. Everything's been turned topsy-turvy and I don't know which way is up or down. I have very few actual friends with whom I feel comfortable talking. Everyone else is just acquaintance level.
I miss my theatre family.
I miss my debate team.
I miss everyone from all the other clubs I was in.
I miss singing.
I miss my high school friends who I haven't seen since graduation.
I miss my piano.
On the positive side:
I love my roommate.
I love (some of) my classes.
我愛中文。
I love learning.
I love cooking.
I love my Book of Mormon professor.
I'm really happy I got in all the classes I wanted (except calculus... *shakes fist at the freshman mentoring program*)
I love my parents.
I love the Gospel, my Savior, and my Father in Heaven.
I should probably try going back to my Econ homework now. Maybe my brain will unfreeze. Maybe I can at least get back up to zero on the emotional sine graph of my life and stay around there for a while.
平安。
(That's essentially "peace out" in Chinese.)
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