Hope is the thing with feathers

Here's a secret: I'm terrified of failure. It's why I don't allow myself to hope for things most of the time, because I know I'll just be disappointed. This can sound like pessimism, but to me it's realistic and more healthy than getting crushed over every little thing. I make contingency plans for everything.

But this time I'm letting my dreams and desires take over. I'm taking my heart out of my sock drawer (long story) and fully investing in something that I want. I'm imagining what it'll be like, planning how everything will happen, and feeling completely giddy.

I applied for a study abroad program that's to take place in Nanjing from August 27th to December 6th, and I am ridiculously excited. Despite logistics I'll have to deal with soon like getting a passport and booking a flight (not to mention finding some way to pay for everything!), I just think of China and smile. 我高興得不能說出來呀！

我每次聽到說到中國的東西，就感覺那裡是對我最合適的地方。如果我在南京的話，那兒的環境肯定要讓我的中文學習進步。

And I just know I'll be an absolute wreck if something happens and I can't go. Regardless, I can't keep myself from wanting at least one thing in life. I may be able to handle rejection or avoidance by guys I (briefly) like and handle horrible first semester grades, but I apparently can't keep my passion for China/Chinese in check. 是因為我太愛中文啊！

And I'm okay with it.

(Disclaimer: I know this is probably a weird post. It's the product of hormones, sleep deprivation, caffeine, and whatever weird thing I've got that's making me nauseated and shaky. I should probably start trying harder to sleep at night, eh? But nobody's making you read it.)

永遠是你的，

鐘明仁