In my experience, opening up to other people can only hurt you. That's why it scares me to death. Only the people who know you the best can hurt you the most. Partly, it's because I start to expect them to care--somehow I think I can expect other people to have rational behavior patterns. It shocks me to find that my best friend is somehow not anymore, even though it's happened time and time again.
Every time, it's a little harder to let someone else get close, because I know they'll inevitably leave, and I'll blame myself. Even though I know it's irrational and unhealthy to blame myself, it's easy to find things that are wrong with me that prevent me having good relationships with others. In fact, it's easier to push them away before they hurt me.
Every time, I think I learn from my stupidity. But I always fall into the same trap: trust. It's only later that I realize that there wasn't anything--it was all in my head.
I care too much.
Romantically, it's the same story. I always make the same mistakes, and always hear the same thing: "It's not you, it's me. Please don't blame yourself for my problems."
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks that sounds hollow.
If no one will tell me what's wrong with me, how can I fix it? I want to get over this (semi-irrational) fear, but I can't if I keep making the same mistakes.
Life is a vicious cycle.
No comments:
Post a Comment