I'm socially retarded. I don't know what's "normal" in any given situation. I don't know how to accept compliments, because I don't think I deserve them. I don't know how to keep friends. I don't know how to help people.
I'm useless.
I've semi-started to accept this. But at the same time, I think this perception may be somewhat biased. I don't know.
I know that dwelling on thoughts like this doesn't help, but I feel like writing it out is cathartic. Maybe, maybe not.
I think I should be happy right now, but I just feel empty. I don't feel like I can talk about this with anyone, especially my parents. Last time I was in a bad mood and I slipped up and let it show around my mom, she told me I had to "decide" to be happy.
News flash: I don't choose to be unhappy. Every day, I make a conscious effort to do the things that will make me happy--it just doesn't always work. I don't think my mom (or anyone else) understands how hard it is for me to be happy. It's easy to pretend, just not when I'm alone.
Right now, I feel like nobody else would care (or even notice) if I just didn't get out of bed in the morning. I could fail all my classes right now and still graduate. I'm done with AP tests. I'm just done. I don't see the point in doing anything anymore.
Maybe I'll take a day off tomorrow or something.
Oh yeah, I was going to explain the post title. Murklins: in the dark.
I am lost and murklins.
Help.
Mir :(
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm getting repetitive here... Again, you say so well what I don't know how to. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not: happy. There's no particular reason that I'm not happy, I just don't feel like I have a reason TO be happy. I don't know.
Once again, know that I love you.
Banzhang, you're amazing.
Miranda I love you!
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to have your parents tell you that you it's a choice to be happy. But, as we learned in AP psych, there are so many things that play into emotions besides conscious effort.
I feel like if I ever try and explain to my parents how I feel, they want to rush me to a psychologist or make me drop all of my classes. When I try and keep it in, I come off as ornery and a recluse.
You said that writing feels like your catharsis. Stick with that for a while and see how it makes you feel. Life is all about finding the balance between doing what you have to do and doing what you want to do. I know you'll figure it out, you're really smart (don't argue)!
I love you and I hope things begin to look up for you!