The war.

Every day is a heated battle. And what do I fight for? I fight to be happy. I'm always amazed when people act like happiness is commonplace and a normal state of being, because it's really not. Joy is a treasure. I have to be extremely vigilant to keep the questing tendrils of sadness from invading my life. Each second is another opportunity for something to creep in and destroy what I want so badly.

One of the biggest theaters in this raging war is my own mind. Tangents take me on unproductive lines of thought that just lead deeper into dark corners--places full of loneliness, regret, and insecurity. For some reason, it's easier to dwell on what goes wrong. It's effortless to remember my mistakes and simply wallow in self-pity. But it's a lot harder to think positive thoughts. There's a tenuous line between confidence and pride, and I've been taught all my life to run away from pride.

Day by day, this battle that nobody sees takes its toll. Little things help to buoy me up. Kind words, good music, friends. Yet my armor eventually cracks. Try as I might to fix it, my opponent can exploit any tiny weakness. I cry out--but I'm alone on this barren metaphorical plain with my enemy. It darts about, making tiny wounds in my psyche. I begin to doubt.

Finally, I can't fight anymore. I don't even want to fight it anymore. I succumb to the pain. I lose interest in everything that once made me happy. I wander by myself, a shell of who I used to be. It's hard to get out of bed, hard to smile, hard to breathe. And then something piques my interest. The desire to be well again blossoms in my desiccated soul.

I pick up a book. A very specific book, about a great Physician who healed the sick, fed the poor, and conquered death. If anyone can heal my invisible scars, it is He. I'm not disappointed. As I begin to read, I start to feel again. I feel loved, safe, warm, peaceful. Happy. I put my trust in Him completely and welcome His protection.

The battle resumes, but I'm no longer alone. I have an ally who is more powerful than anything that I might face. When I can't go on, He carries me. He fights with me, and that is all I need. With His help, all things are possible. I can win the war.