Alienation

"But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here."

--Radiohead, Creep

     I've always had a feeling in the back of my mind that I don't belong. I went to a family reunion in Arizona two weeks ago and felt like an outsider. Even at Startalk or during musical theatre, I'd wonder who genuinely liked me and who tolerated me, who were my friends and who talked about me behind my back. It doesn't really matter to me anymore--it's just objective curiosity, part of my analysis of the human condition. 

    I've been so frustrated lately with my body and my depression. I want to get better and I'm trying as hard as I can, but I can't get through this alone. My family has been amazing and supportive, as well as the two friends who talk to me regularly, but I need a bigger support system. 

     I need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I need hugs and hand-holding. I need friends. I need help.

     I want a reason to stay in this world, to feel like I'm not such a creep.