Meaningless

Everything in my life seems pointless.

I don't even know why. All the relationships I've been building for the past few years, romantic and otherwise, seem empty. I'm going to college next year, and how many of those friends will still care about me? I'm scared of finding out that all of my friends put up with me just because of an accident of geography. There's also the guilt--what about my friends who are younger? Is it fair for me to monopolize their time when I'm going to be gone in a few months?

It just seems like there's no point. I don't see why I should expend effort doing all these things when everybody will forget me in a matter of months. But at the same time, I can't bear the emptiness when I do nothing.

Quandary.

I spend so much time doing things that have lost their savor. The sparkle is gone. I don't have enough energy to make everything enjoyable again. And I don't know how to get that energy back. I put on a facade every day, just as carefully as most girls apply makeup. But when I'm alone, it falls off. I've lost track of the days where I just come home and cry myself to sleep.

Sleep helps, but only temporarily. Lately, the mask has started to slip even around other people. I've spent so much time building up layers, but it's all falling apart. Again, what does it matter if these people like me? I'm leaving it all behind. There's nothing left for me.

I'm so afraid that I'll go numb again and not be able to feel anything.

I know I'm a teenage girl, and mood swings are supposedly normal and caused by hormones, but I just can't handle it anymore. There have been days where I literally can't get out of bed, can't face the world, just want to sleep and eat all day. Is that normal? And yet, there are other days where I have boundless energy, need virtually no sleep, and feel like flying. Is that normal?

All I have left to say is this: Ughhhhh.